I honestly amaze myself sometimes at how stupid and unreasonable I can be. But these are the brain functions of a stupid, unreasonable and insecure person. 

People see others suffering from insecurities as ‘attention seekers’ and fail to realise that there are ACTUALLY people out there that mentally don’t have the capabilities to believe in themselves. And I, have unfortunately found myself to be one of these people. 

I don’t enjoy it, I don’t want it, and it’s actually one of the things I truly hate about myself. But I’m so fucking confused as to how on earth I’m ever going to be able to get rid of this mentality. As ridiculous as it sounds I would give anything to be disgustingly thin, I want clothes to hang off me, I want to look small. It sounds like the most ridiculous things ever, but god how I wish I was like that. People tell me I’m stupid for wanting something like that, but you try going through your whole life with one of the biggest things holding you back being your weight. I was bullied so badly for it primary school, it’s something I wouldn’t fucking wish on anyone. I spent my entire childhood being told that I was fat, or ugly. And fucking christ it sucked. I was never the one people would look at and go ‘she’ll be a looker when she’s older’ I was always just feral hippie kid that liked making people laugh. 

I can’t help but curse a world that has allowed people to fall into either a ‘beautiful’ or ‘ugly’ category. Everything is given a label now days, and I pride myself on my capability to want to treat everyone as an equal, ignoring their physical characteristics and just seeing them for the wonderful human being they are. So it makes no sense to me how I can’t apply this rule to myself, and instead I selfishly wish I was one of those people who was naturally beautiful. A ‘head turner’ a ‘babe’ or some other stupid title that we’ve decided to give people like this. They’re such materialist desires, I know, but I can’t help it. I do believe everyone is beautiful in their own way, and everyone does have something to contribute to this world, I’m just struggling to find what my part is. 

As time has gone on, I’ve let my insecurities define me. I given myself that mentality that I’m not good enough for anything. It’s so pathetic and stupid. I look at anything and tell myself that I’m not good enough to even try and be good at it. I constantly pinch myself that I’ve been lucky enough to find myself with a boy that I adore, but not once have I ever felt good enough for him. I’m so used to be the number one person in someones life only until they find someone better, someone nicer that I can’t relax because I’m just waiting for them to realise that they can do better. Because they always do. 

But I can’t be anymore then I am, no mater how much I wish I could.